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Via BuzzFeed

Breaking News: American Book Publishers To Change The Title of “Moby Dick” to “Moby Doug”

whale with penis exposed

Can you spot the whale penis in this picture?

NEW YORK, NY. – Following the announcement earlier this week that Alabama’s NewSouth Books would be removing the word N-word from an upcoming edition of Mark Twain’s classic novel “Adventures of Huckleberry Finn,” the American Association of Book Publishers announced the the word “dick” would be expunged from future editions of Herman Melville’s “Moby Dick.” It was also announced that the book’s title would be changed to “Moby Doug.”

While controversial, the decision to remove the phallic colloquialism from the greatest novel ever written in the English language is being embraced by both fans and detractors of the book.

“Look, the word ‘dick’ appears over 80 times in the novel, not to mention right there on the cover where everyone can see it,” said Amelia Rashad-Posey, Professor Emeritus of Melville Studies at Stanford University, “There’s simply no way you can ask a middle school teacher in this day and age to make a student to read the word ‘dick’ out loud in class. That’s not a risk that your average underpaid, poorly motivated teacher is going to take. And this is not a book kids will pick up on their own.”

Award-winning Melville biographer, Gerd Wallace, has also reluctantly thrown his support behind the decision. “We’ve been debating this move for years, and I’m now firmly on board with this decision. We can’t let an otherwise innocent four-letter word get in the way of this great novel’s legacy. This is a sad, but necessary concession to the least common denominator.”

Helen Wendt, of the Topeka, Kansas Board of Education, applauded the decision. “That word is evil,” she said. “That word makes people think of a penis. Maybe it makes them think of a vagina. That’s a sin. And people who read books are going to hell.” Wendt believes they’ve “won this battle, but not the war,” which is how she characterizes her decade long crusade to make only the bible and books about intelligent design available in public schools and libraries.

Book-burning Florida pastor Nathan Bedford Beauregard announced that he is pleased with the planned changes, but he asserts that they don’t go far enough. Beauregard supports additional proposed changes that would further alter the novel, especially the removal of passages that many feel have homosexual undertones. “That book is gay,” said Beauregard during a conference call this afternoon. “You know it. I know it. Everybody knows it. That book is gayer than a football bat. It’s gayer than Broadway. And it’s gayer than a box of Dennis Cooper novels, which I would burn if I had.”

Rashad-Posey confirmed that further changes are still under consideration. “I don’t know if Herman Melville was gay. And I don’t care,” she said. “You’ll have to ask Gerd Wallace about that. But some of the book certainly seems gay. Right? At least to a modern audience. Men sleeping with men. Men dancing with men. Men living with other men on a boat. Men squeezing sperm. I mean, there’s a whole chapter dedicated to a whale penis. It’s like ten sentences long. If you lose that, seriously, what do you really lose? Logic alone dictates that whales have giant penises. Do we need to read that they’re longer than a Kentuckian is tall?’”

This is hardly the first time that a work of literature has been edited, or censored, in order to accommodate a society’s changing sensibilities. The practice is widely attributed to Thomas Bowdler who published a “cleaned-up” series of Shakespearean works in the early 19th century. This initiated a long history of “bowdlerizing” works for the masses, including “Tarzan” and “Doctor Doolittle.”

Ironically, unlike the “Huck Finn” situation, there have been few, if any, calls to edit or to remove the racially insensitive language and situations in “Moby Dick.” When hearing of Melville’s offensive depiction of the black character Pip and of the novel’s assertion that white men have “mastership over every dusky tribe,” Beauregard said, “I don’t find any of that offensive.”

And when asked how the name “Doug” was chosen, American Association of Book Publishers president Douglas Waters said, “Well, there was obviously a lot of early support for going with ‘Moby Richard,’ but in the end, we still felt the connotation and the nickname would too often come into play. So I tossed Doug out there. And it sort of stuck.”

It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year – Time For The Annual New Bedford Whaling Museum Moby-Dick-A-Thon

New Bedford Whaling Museum Moby Dick Marathon

3 Solid Days of Moby Dick Madness

This year’s 15th Anniversary Moby-Dick-A-Thon at the New Bedford Whaling Museum promises to be bigger, geek-ier, international-ier, and internet-ier than ever.

With a buffet dinner, free public lectures, trivia contests, special exhibits, live internet (or “web”) streaming, international participants, and it’s very own twitter hash tag (#mdm15) – I expect that this will easily be the premiere mid-Winter literary event of down town New Bedford for all of 2011.

In fact, we’re so excited at WAWD, that we’ve decided to relaunch the site (which appears to have fallen into a state of disrepair due to months of neglect; not unlike an antique tube amplifier or Italian motorcycle. It’s not that we don’t want your comments, it’s just that our internet machine apparently no longer accepts them).

Over the course of what’s left of the week leading up to the event, we might update the site again, or re-publish some classic articles from the vault.

And if you’re planning a trip, keep in mind that our Travelog (An Afternoon In Downtown New Bedford, Mass. – “Where Parking Is Free On The Weekends”) is a invaluable today as it was when it was published nearly two years ago. BUT: with one major exception – downtown NB has a shiny new hotel! And we’ve secured adjoining Harbor View Suites at the Fairfield Inn & Suites.

That’s right…After party! (Keep an eye on Twitter)

We’ll be reading at 9 and 910 PM this year, which, according to this web sheet, should put us around chapter 43. This looks like payback for getting to read “The Whiteness of the Whale” last year.

Be forewarned now: In a couple more glasses of wine, I might try to upgrade to the latest version of WordPress, and it’s very possible that WAWD will go the way of the Pequod.

Today’s Dachshund (1/5/11) – A Wiener Dog Pig (photo)

Wiener Dog Pig photo

How awesome it would be...

It’s a combination of two of the five greatest animals living today:

  1. Whales
  2. Wiener Dogs
  3. Pigs
  4. Ducks
  5. Squirrels

And pending committee approval, platypuses

Area Man Uses Wiener Dog To Hunt Giant Mushrooms

Large Man. Giant Mushroom.

Large Man. Giant Mushroom.

I’m just gonna cut and paste the whole article:

Mike Cook, of Cedar Springs, found a huge mushroom this week, and he did it without his mushroom-hunting dog, Pugsly.

Cook came across this mushroom on an old oak tree on 17 Mile in Solon Township. He said the oak was probably 100 years old. He identified the mushroom as an oyster mushroom, and estimated that it weighs 50 pounds. But he’s not going to eat it; instead he’s going to dry it out and shellac it, he said.

In years past, the Post featured Cook’s dog, Pugsly, as the dog that hunts mushrooms. Cook would take him along, and when Pugsly would find a mushroom, he’d bark. But sadly, Pugsly died during surgery, and Cook said he’s now training a wiener dog to help him hunt mushrooms.

Today’s Dachshund – A Wiener Dog Mural From Frank In Austin

Submitted by reader Bo Williams! This is on the wall of a restaurant called Frank in Austin, TX.

wienermural

My wife’s been asking what I want to do for father’s day…well, now that’s settled.

Bacon Narwhal Might Be The Greatest Thing We’ve Ever Seen

Bacon Narwhal Bacon Narwhal Bacon Narwhal Bacon Narwhal

Bacon Narwhal Bacon Narwhal Bacon Narwhal Bacon Narwhal

Bacon Narwhal
Bacon Narwhal
Bacon Narwhal

Update: The inventor and creator of the bacon narwhal has contacted us with a link that explains how to create your own. Visit his site at least to say thanks!

in case you’re not paying attention there’s a link to a bacon bra on this page

Today’s Dachshund – Chocolate Wiener Dogs, or, Wiener Dogs Made Of Chocolate

chocoloate wiener dogs

chocoloate wiener dogs

From Manhattan Fruitier, “Six adorable chocolate Dachshunds! Crafted from the finest chocolates, there are two variations in solid chocolate to reflect the diversity of the breed.”

Get some for the choco-wiener-dog-o-holics in your life.

Today’s Wiener Dog – This Wiener Dog Eats Every Part Of The Watermelon

Today’s Dachshund (1/18/10) – Johnson The Wiener Dog And Tattooed Underwear Guy Play Fetch In A Flooded Back Yard (video)

Today’s Dachshund (1/17/10) – Pink Crochet Wiener Dig That Someone Posted To A Message Board

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